i’m not strong enough yet;

I spent so many years in a closet. Hiding behind junk, praying nobody opened the door. Praying that the closet would melt away from me. Feelings would leave. Things would change.

A wife. Children. A marriage ceremony that she would plan. We’d fight over the details. Debate whether that weird cousin was invited.

It didn’t happen.

· ·

Sometimes I wonder if I could leave. Walk away from everything. Start again. Maybe I could even build that closet.

I could have a wife. Children. A marriage ceremony.

It won’t happen.

· ·

I don’t want to leave. I won’t change. I will be who I will be and who I will be is loved by the light of my salvation.

Every year millions take to the streets. A panorama of kaleidoscopic colour painted across cities.

We have pride.

I’m not proud. Not proud to be LGBT. That seems a strange concept to me. But I’m certainly happy to be.

Without these chains I wouldn’t be me. I certainly wouldn’t be here.

· ·

Is it strange to you that I hide? In one breath I would destroy my ecclesiastical life. In another I would hide in corners of this web of words and pictures, loud, proud and with a covered face.

I’m not strong enough yet. I’m not strong enough to show you my face. I’m not strong enough to risk my career, my family, my church.

I don’t want to implicate them.

I don’t want to hurt them.

But I can’t stay silent. I can’t just pretend these words don’t tumble out.

· ·

There is a hole in my heart and sometimes I wonder if maybe just maybe for once this isn’t about how much I’ve been wronged and how much I want it to change or how much Jesus wants it to change and sometimes I wonder if this has anything to do with Jesus at all and if I’ve just got it wrong and that all this time I’m convincing myself of something that isn’t there and what if Jesus doesn’t even exist and all this trauma came from nothing and no one but that actually I might really just love this pain love this hurt love the way i feel and love everything youve done tomehereinside and maybe i’m justchasingitallandidontwanttoletgo;

· ·

BREATHE.

· ·

There are so many like me.

I know to see my face might help them. To see me stand tall. To see me throw myself out there.

But I’m not strong enough yet.

I’m not strong enough to show it to you. I’m not strong enough to take more beatings, more fingers pointed at my face.

I’m not strong enough to share the words and to share my soul.

· ·

Please forgive me.

I know He’s there.

I know He’s saved us.

I know He saved me.

But I’m not strong enough yet.

And I’m scared that deep down I love this pain.