Fragments from world-weary pages

Since I became a Christian, I have always kept a journal. Usually, I write in them sporadically rather than keep them religiously or with any real discipline. They’re notebooks where I jot down thoughts, prophetic words and prayers. Sometimes scripture I want to revisit, or things I want to remember; occasionally they’re sermon notes.

To contextualise, I attend a charismatic CofE church in London. Therefore, I believe in and fully affirm the concept of prophetic words, physical healing and the continuance of spiritual gifts and ‘charisma’ long since the time of the early apostles.

Since starting this blog, I’ve been toying with sharing the words below. These are a selection of eight of the ten most recent entries in my journal, edited only to protect the anonymity of both myself and those mentioned therein. Nonetheless, there’s enough in there for someone who knows me well enough to figure it out. If that someone is you, say hello.

Summer 2011: I wrote this while visiting a church a few miles away. Many friends attend there, and I consider myself part of their extended family, visiting every so often. I think it’s important to note I was “away from home” and at the time did not consider this entry to have any real impact or resonance with the LGBT Christian community.

Evening service worship, really feel the Lord speaking!

Ps 48, especially v. 9-14: the Lord is good, as we immerse in Him and think on His love, we grow in our knowledge and pass it on to “the next generation.” Or, post-covenant, to make people new believers. We soak and then we go out in praise to the end of the earth, to rejoice and see the lost Saved.

Jeremiah 3:12 – the cries of God’s people have been heard and He loves us. He cries for us to come back, even now He wants His children to return to Him, to His presence. He will help (v15), it isn’t about the place God is, but who He is and what He has done. His everlasting love and presence for His beloved children – and we should reply v22b-3.

Titus 2:11-15. He will make us a zealous, worshipping people, who preach salvation and life, giving us authority and power to cast out worldly things and welcome and loose heavenly grace, healing and love. He is creating a people to declare, exhort and rebuke (v15), whom NOBODY shall disregard.

September 2011: a small group of us from my church used to meet regularly to pray together for the church and our community, as well as to see revival in London. These meetings would last a number of hours, so the below are jottings over the course of that. I’ve kept it in its entirety, rather than abridged.

Revelation 5, no doubt.

Hosea 9, but don’t think it’s related, at least not yet.

Shared picture of church running toward line of something, church on the cusp of something!

Read Revelation 7:9-17.

Luke 24.

Feeling oddly out of place here, but that’s not to say that they or I am doing anything wrong. I don’t feel convicted for my actions like I usually would – I’m not apathetic either. I just find a lack of conviction against my lifestyle. Either I’m so far in the wrong that I cannot hear the voice of God, or maybe I’m not as far in the wrong as most might think. Either way, Jesus is Lord – He has proclaimed freedom and forgiveness over my life…

Oddly, as I wrote that, I heard someone reading from Romans 1:16-32. Of note is v. 26-32.

The note in the ESV Study Bible is written by someone from SBTS, so is perhaps biased, but says Paul is not condemning pederasty but homosexuality on a wider level. I question this.

I question whether Paul sees the abomination as men being “consumed with passion” rather than their “committing shameless acts” – perhaps the shame comes in their desire for each other rather than for God, as opposed to simply loving one another.

As a good friend said, if we are to use such technicality to deny that Paul speaks against women in leadership, can we ignore it in this issue? Only 50 years ago, most may have denied women could have places of leadership. Are we consumed by modernism or by new revelation of God’s word?

After more prayer, I’m not convinced by people who say God condemns homosexuality, nor those who say He is against it outright. Teach me, God!

Have moved on since then though, and now on a new point.

If the church as a whole is moving out of the building, then why would revival take place within it?

Autumn 2013: On this day, my vicar preached a sermon on same-sex marriage, as a large number around the country did to coincide with British media’s focus on the introduction of same-sex marriage (rather than Civil Partnerships) in law.

Morning service. Compelled in the week to pray for this Sunday, especially for discernment and for the Holy Spirit to convict me if I am so wrong. Also determined to sit on the front row as a reminder. As a result, sat up front alone and had a moving – if distracted – time of worship.

Through sermon, as expected, I was finding myself irritated and saddened by what I see as the leadership’s misguided views, and altogether in full disagreement. During post-sermon worship, I realised that my upset was for the church. First I cried softly and then later as communion began, I found that I couldn’t bring myself to participate. So I sat down in the liturgy and did not take communion, even when I was directly offered it. This led to 1 Corinthians 11:17-34 and the more I prayed and worshipped, I found myself weeping and crying out “Jesus, what are we going to do?”

Evening service. Similar. During worship segment, I had what may be the answer to two longstanding prayers. The first was an image of a tongue of fire (Acts 2) zipping into my mouth. This was an answer to “give me the words” and a reminder of Jeremiah 1. Similarly, had same image of preacher last week, and had long been praying for greater prophetic anointing. Jesus/Holy Spirit said “I will give you the words you need.”

I can’t remember the second word.

I have never been more convinced, however, of the truth that God does not condemn homosexual relationships and marriage.

One week later.

Sitting in church and feeling an odd conviction that I’m wrong about the homosexuality debate. Had a realisation that this week I’ve not listened to as much worship music, not prayed as much, not read the Bible as much. Spent worship not really participating. So I’m not really in the right place for such a revelationary encounter.

I need more grace, more wisdom, more love, more understanding.

Another week later.

The love of a King,
love of a King.

What is greater than, can break
the love of a King?

January 2014.

Things God has said today.

Community is at the heart of everything we are asked to do, and the importance and effects true commUNITY cannot be denied and must not be compromised. UNITY is so important and drives us together with one look and vision.

“Whatever you are doing do it well.” Been listening to three talks by Banning Liebscher and he re-emphasises this point. The promises of God are not always for now. His plans will not always manifest immediately. His will will be done, but listen to what He’s saying, not what you want Him to say. Throw yourself fully into the task at hand and continually seek His heart. Listen to His words, enjoy them and be patient.

For me, I think this is guidance on the now. To throw myself into community and love. To be part of the church and trust His will. If I’m called to worship that will come, but right now I’m called to do something else and that’s fine.

4th May 2014

Morning service. “The tides are changing” Related or not, I think there’s a song to be written about Psalm 46. Also, felt the Lord saying that I need to use gift for the piano. Also, last week and this week I’ve had feelings about how vicar and other leadership will turn on their views on homosexuality, and perhaps soon.

Can Christians persecute other Christians?
– Of course, but what causes them to do so?
– What does intra-Christian persecution do to the Church?

20th July 2014

Series of words in worship.

Singing “Our God is Greater” middle 8 – “And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then who can stand against?” Saw a picture of church with dark tendrils all the way up the columns, plastered tight. And as singing, the tendrils snapped away and lessened. They were still there but losing grip. God continued series of words – reminded of the one that clergy would soon repent and change their minds, then “the tides are changing” and again this one.

Later, in “Care for Us” I felt myself singing out, more confidently and ‘heard’ the words “I am giving you back your voice.”

Later in “How Deep the Father’s Love” He said, at close of first verse, “I did not die so that you would be persecuted like this.”

We then had Communion and phone rang from work, so was cut off there.

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